Sunday, December 04, 2022
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Russia regrets using board-game Risk to plan military strategy



If Russia has taught us anything, trying to invade and take over another country in this modern era is no easy task. The Russians are most definitely struggling just to maintain a front and keep the invasion going. As you’ve probably read in the news they’ve even turned to drafting more soldiers from anywhere between the ages of 18 to retirement age. It’s clear that the strength of the Russian military isn’t what it used to be back during World War II. I mean, at what point you throw in the towel and just call it quits?

Sadly, I don’t believe that’s going to happen for the time being. 

It makes me wonder what the Chinese think when it comes to this military failure. As you know China continues to taunt Taiwan in advance of a pending invasion. It feels like China is like the guy at the bar that just keeps threatening to beat you up but he lets his girlfriend escort him out the door.

It surprises me that countries still want to invade other countries. I mean haven’t we gotten past that point? Isn’t it really all about the money? It does seeem, however, that a lot of the people in charge still believe that the Cold War is going on. 

But another question remains: what happened with the Russian military? Let’s be honest, many people thought that this was going to be a swift invasion and conquest. Boy, that was wrong. So when we break it down, my sources tell me this all came down to just poor strategy and planning.

And maybe too much vodka.

Here are two of what we believe are the military strategies the Russians tried to use. 

The Captain Zap Brannigan Kill Bots Method – From the Cartoon Futurama

It might be that the Russians took a page from Captain Zap Brannigan from Futurama when he took on the Kill Bots. He found that kill bots can only kill so many people before they shut down. So he sent wave after wave of men in until the Kill Bots reached their limits and shut down. 

I hope that someone told Russia that Ukrainians aren’t Kill Bots, they’re a little bit pissed off, and they won’t shut down. The way that Putin’s recruiting anyone who can fog a mirror to fight makes me believe that maybe he’s using this strategy. 

The Risk Board Game Method 

Watching the news, I feel like the Russians dusted off an old game of Risk and rolled some dice to simulate an invasion, just like the bored boozehounds at the Phi Delt house regularly do. Because in Risk you often find yourself invading Ukraine. And the Russian brass definitely had the confidence of a fraternity guy that’s had four shots of Goldschlager and then puked his guts out.

Did they even finish their pre-invasion game of Risk?

Because, you know, it takes days, months maybe, even years, to complete that board game. Also, it’s a really boring game where you just roll dice and see what happens.  As I watch the news I feel like maybe the Russians had the same mindset and now are hopefully realizing it backfired.

The rumors have it that Putin is sporting track marks on his hand, and that’s seen as evidence of late-stage cancer and chemotherapy. But there could be another explanation: he might be spending some time in one of those IV lounges where they fill you up with fluids to cure a hangover.

To the average man, the idea of invasions and wars is a thing of the past. It was a growing pain that Planet Earth has definitely moved past, and most of the places you can invade are places where doing so only means you’re stuck trying to govern a hellhole that’s in such bad shape that it got invaded.

Who wants to die for Mogadishu? Or Fallujah? Or, really, for that matter, Mariupol?

I hope every day that this invasion ends and we get to peace talks. And that we can then go back to news about how crazy Kanye West is. The only positive about this conflict between Russia and Ukraine is that maybe other people learn from it. Specifically, that trying to invade another country in this modern era of technology and social media is a useless cause.

Yes, Xi. You. I’m talking to you. Pay attention.