Thursday, July 18, 2024

88 Year Old Frenchman Cures Constipation With World War I Artillery Shell

In what seems like another lifetime ago, I actually worked in several hospitals. When my days or nights were slow, I spent a lot of time in the emergency room. I loved the action and the unpredictability of what would come through those automatic doors.

One thing that I and the emergency room staff always found intriguing, was the preoccupation that some people have with inserting things into their body.

I have personally observed on more than a few occasions, where sex toys were involved, various vegetables and even a frozen hot dog. In the case of the hot dog, it didn’t remain frozen and became unretrievable for those involved.

The absolute strangest case that I ever saw involved a woman and a hand eggbeater. I’m talking about the old type that had the crank.

When you see something like that many thoughts run through your mind. First and foremost, you have to try and imagine the situation where someone would even consider doing this. Seriously, a hand eggbeater? What delusion could you be under that would allow you to even imagine that this was a good idea.

Last week a Frenchman, who was apparently not looking forward to the holidays as much as usual, decided that he needed some excitement in his life.

For stimulation, he noticed a World War I artillery shell across the room and got an idea for a better place to store it.

Stating that he did it “for pleasure,” the man then inserted the shell in is backside.

OK, I mean who hasn’t gazed lovingly at an artillery shell or a fire extinguisher and thought Hmmmm?

Anyway, at some point the 8 inch long and 2-inch-wide shell must have become uncomfortable, because the locked and loaded senior citizen went to the hospital.

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during that conversation. It probably went something like this:

Admission: What seems to be the problem?

Man: I seem to have an artillery shell in my rectum.

Admission: ??, I’m sorry, what was that?

Man: I said, I have a World War I artillery shell in my ass.

Admission: How did it get there?

Man: I shoved it in there.

Admission: Why would you do that?

Man: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Doctors, fearing that if the old geezer passed gas he could take out a wing of the hospital, called the bomb squad.

As a precaution, they evacuated both the adult and pediatric emergency departments and also diverted incoming emergencies to other hospitals.

The good news is that the bomb squad determined that the shell was likely a collectors item and had little risk of exploding. The shell was subsequently surgically removed and the man is recovering well.

One of the surgeons was interviewed and had this to say:

“An apple, a mango, or even a can of shaving foam, we are used to finding unusual objects inserted where they shouldn’t be, but a shell? Never!”

Shaving foam?