Monday, May 20, 2024

How Portable Are Those Race Cards We’re Asked To Honor?

Good morning, boys and girls, I’m your new teacher Mr. Schneller. And today’s word is PORTABILITY. We’ll talk more about that in a moment, but first let me just mention that when you go out to the schoolyard for recess, please take note of the restoration of the American Flag to the flagpole.

And if, by the way, you happen to notice your old teacher, Mr. Woke, tied to said flagpole and wearing a tightly laced straitjacket, I had nothing to do with that. However, class, I am instructing you not to change the settings on the 15,000 Watt portable sound system next to the flagpole that currently is drowning out Mr. Woke’s screams by playing a continuous loop of the Pledge of Allegiance.

All right, class, now let’s talk about our word of the day. The word PORTABILITY means that you can move something from here to another place and still have it be the same thing in that other place. But to be portable, it has to actually be real. If it’s not real, then it’s not portable because only crazy people think that not-real things can be moved around.

For instance, Sarah, if your mom makes you a ham & cheese sandwich for lunch, is it still a ham & cheese sandwich once you bring it to school?

****** Very good, Sarah, you’re correct: it’s still a ham & cheese sandwich. ******

Okay, now let’s talk about one of those not-real things that cannot be portable because of how it’s not real even though crazy people think it is. You know that news story about the really nasty basketball player lady who hates America and has no regard for the laws of other countries?

****** No, Billy, Mr. Woke was wrong to tell you that. She’s not a national hero or anyone’s hero. Heroes serve others, not themselves. ******

Anyway, class, this lady tried to tell the country whose laws she violated that she is exempt from prosecution by virtue of her possession of a “race card.”

Well, boys and girls, a race card is no more real than the boogie man riding a unicorn through the middle of a party celebrating the repeal of the 16th Amendment. That is why it is not portable. And that is why other countries simply laugh at such a ridiculous notion.

In point of fact, class, this basketball player lady doesn’t even seem to know whether her ancestors were enslaved or slave owners. But assuming it is the former, I encourage you to make as many Jewish friends as possible. They too are multi-generationally removed from enslavement. However, they understand that using such a thing as a crutch would make them look weak, conniving, and pathetic. Clearly, they are too dignified to go that route.

To sum up, things such as race cards, flying pigs, and leprechauns are not real, therefore not portable. Just think of the race card as being the opposite of the American Express Card. The American Express Card is accepted all around the world; the race card is not. So remember to never leave home without your American Express Card but to always leave home without a race card.

In fact, if anyone ever tries to give you one, JUST SAY NO.