When The Mafia Becomes A Better Lender Than The Fed

It looks a lot these days like President Biden has a mission of making America the land of the brave and very much broke.

And that makes for some deep thoughts.

I myself have started to think about investing in horses versus driving a car. Everything is expensive now – even formerly low-priced stores like Dollar Tree now offer upper-middle-class shopping, at least at the register. It’s an interesting mix of experiences.

To top it all off the Federal Reserve is saying they’re going to raise interest rates again making it even harder to buy anything. The logic behind this move makes no sense to me, but then I remember that the Federal Reserve isn’t a real Federal Bank it’s just a commercial bank that put the word “Federal” in the title which is genius marketing.

I’m thinking about starting an ice cream joint titled “The Federal Ice Cream Shoppe” that creates the illusion we know what we’re doing. You’ll love the Rocky Road.

Actually, no. You won’t.

This brings me to my main point, which is now when it comes to getting a loan it might now be cheaper to go through Organized Crime. Also, when I did my community college-level research this weekend, I found that getting a loan from a Tony Soprano type might actually be a more pleasant experience than going through a traditional bank for the following reasons….

Interest Rates throughout the Mob are low compared to a bank. I’m not kidding. 

An interest rate on a home loan right now can sit anywhere between 6% to 7% and it’s said to only be rising. Typical Mafia interest rates out of Newark New Jersey right now are two points. In Mafia terms, two points are 2%, and banks can’t compete with these rates. Also, the economy doesn’t affect the Mafia’s interest rate, it’s pretty much a standard.

I love this, because then you can take your time when buying a house because you know the rate will always be set at 2%. I hate when you have to rush to buy a home not because you love the house, but because you want to lock in a low rate.

You can work off the debt when you can’t pay. 

Now yes we have all seen the movies and know that if you try to stiff your loan payment with the Mafia they might take a baseball bat to your kneecaps.

I will say however I kind of like that option versus Bank of America dropping my FICO score.

Knees can heal in about a week maybe, but a FICO score might take years. 

When you think about it in a perfect world if you can’t make your loan payment you should be able to work off the debt with a bank. I wouldn’t mind working the teller counter and sweeping up the lobby for Wells Fargo if they took a few bucks off my loan. Sadly, that isn’t the case and to be honest, I don’t know why – it’s a genius idea.

This, however, is not the case with the Mafia; they will in fact let you work off your debt if you’re not able to pay. They might have you complete small tasks, such as running an underground casino in Korea Town or maybe burying a rolled-up carpet out in the woods. I bet that a lot of people that are in debt right now would love an option to work it off. Heck, I believe it’s a system that could really solve the American debt program. Trust me. I know from experience – because the kid that lives across the street from me knocked over my mailbox with his car. Instead of making him pay me with money, he didn’t have, I had him cut my grass for a month to work off the debt. This kind of idea would Make America maybe not broke. 

It might lead to a successful lucrative career and a chance to get ahead.

Being in debt to the Mafia could be a blessing in disguise because if you do a top-notch job working off the debt, they may open the books for you. You could become the next Godfather and have an amazing tax-free career working in, er, the olive-oil business. 

Or, there’s another option… 

If you don’t feel that this is the right route for you then I would just get a loan and make sure to turn it into a college loan so Sleepy Joe covers the tab. It’s not like he’s going to scoff at you when you tell him your mortgage now identifies as student debt!